Sunday, November 4, 2007

An End for Daylight

The last time I wrote here, people told me to change my clock. Two seasons later, they tell me to change it back. I have singular feelings about being led astray by others, only to be brought back into the good stuff by the same ones who led me astray. There's some lesson here to be applied to meth users, or habitual cheaters, or the next kid to break his face trying to film himself popping a wheelie from his roof so he can send a YouTube link of the act to Vida Guerra's MySpace profile, but right now I need to concern myself with myself. That's evident in a blog entry, but not really now that I type that out and think about what those words mean. What is a blog entry but being unconcerned with ourselves for ourselves, and entirely filled with ourselves for others. Our personal pieces are for you to see, and we always act differently when others watch, don't we? Dostoyevsky comes out of the bag when the right people are watching. A stranger sees us grieving, and we show him how we grieve. How do we actually grieve? We don't know, you know. Single tasks don't give us cause to record internally.

I saw my friend look dead today. Maybe that's why I'm typing now. Maybe that's why any of us type, or read, or connect.

Couple of important changes in awareness to share. One: the lesson has already been written:

    “Master, what is it that I hear? Who are those people so defeated by their pain?”

    And he to me: “This miserable way is taken by the sorry souls of those who lived without disgrace and without praise. They now commingle with the coward angels, the company of those who were not rebels nor faithful to their God, but stood apart. The heavens, that their beauty not be lessened, have cast them out, nor will deep Hell receive them—even the wicked cannot glory in them.”—Inferno, Canto III.


Typical with me: my best ideas are from others, learned in part, remembering just the basics and forgetting the luscious details and the essential core. Realizing this is a nice feeling, though. It's fun to take part in a Dante simulation, in a pantomime of what we are not. What we are so often disappoints when we take the time to go deep. Or frightens.

Second change: there is no change. The stream into which we step really is the same.

Third change: I'm writing again. Nothing new for me to start writing again. Maybe this will be the time it continues. If not, there's always more friends that will look dead, more authors to pretend to be, more streams to contemplate from the underside, where light never comes out of the bag because the right people are never looking.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

In the Mood To Write

I just don't know what. I won't let that stop me, though--that's the point of this whole thing, right, to be able to write no matter when we're in the mood, and no matter if we have anything to say. It's the opposite of a blank piece of paper, which is so difficult to add ink to, just like that. You could say that this environment is so easy, too easy. When anything is worthy of writing about, do words die?

Time to end this, for self preservation. Just like that.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Ear Slime

This is why I'm hot, this is why I'm hot, this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot.

This is why I'm hot, this is why I'm hot, this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot.

I'm hot because I'm fly, you ain't because you not, this is—CEASE AND DESIST. Enough.

This song, which I'm sure is called "This Is Why I'm Hot," is such a complete pile of shit that I hesitate to use so familiar a term, lest you consider it in the same vein as any other pile of shit you might hear. My Humps is a pile of shit, but you might catch yourself dancing to it for a few seconds. "I went down, down to the disco--damn, can't believe I just shook my ass to that." But you did. But This Is Why I'm Hot? Like gonhorrea and our appendices, I wonder why it exists.

I cannot get that line out of my head: I'm hot because I'm fly, you ain't because you not." It's a wood-burrowing insect mistaking my brain for oak. It's an enormous wad of Big League Chew caught in a boot. I'd give up at least three toes to be fluent in any language, or to remember long sections of obscure plays, or even someone's birthday without help from Microsoft Outlook, but this stank line--probably with me for life.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Incunabulum

What can you say about a person who prefers the lives of poets to the poems themselves? The poems now refer to their past so much that almost nothing is original. How can it be? To paraphrase someone I can't remember once said, Elizabethan England had 20 poets. There's now 20 poets in one neighborhood in Dayton, Ohio. It's all been said!

Give me the lives of the authors instead: Genet's impossible life, Anais Nin's non-self-published secrets, and Rimbaud's back-alley adventures! Their words are surely the same as something somebody did, but their lives, their creative quest, usual sexual and exciting, is always original.

I want to find the Ur-book, the one that makes no reference to others because there's nothing else to reference. This takes imagination, though. How can we imagine The Iliad as original when its progeny are everywhere? How can we understand a world of no Hamlet when we exist with him, when he is a part of our upbringing, like a home from childhood

Even Os Lusiadas, the greatest story no one reads. Even this gorgeous tale begins by ripping off Virgil, and ends I don't know how, because who can finish 10 cantos during commercials? No, better to read about Luis Vaz de Camoes, who lost an eye in battle defending his country in an unnecessary war, who fought the wrong guy in the streets and was jailed for it, who served in an Orient that knew no Occident: human suffering and perseverance that any dummy can get, even if they don't like that heavy stuff. Can't you see him, tossed into the water from a shipwreck, his masterwork in one hand above the waves as he struggles to reach land? Can't you feel that desperation? We need his words to need to know him. His words are for our souls, when we're ready. His struggle is for our lives, ready or not.

He died as his country ceased to be. Vice versa, probably. Either way, it's been done.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Words Like Rosa Parks

Rosa Parks' decision: to stay seated when asked to stand. Physically this is an anti-action, but what a black person staying seated on a bus in 1950s Alabama meant when a white person wanted the seat ended up being a mighty, cataclysmic act. You don’t need me to tell you the story—you’ve read it already. If you’re American, you know it already.

Or at least know part of the story. The adjectives that always describe her are words like “quiet” and “humble.” Perhaps she was quiet and humble, but that puts heavy limits on how we picture her. By extension we then envision her as old and tired, and we assume that she stayed seated because her feet were sore: why else would a quiet, humble, old, tired seamstress stay seated when asked to move?

We never hear of who she was outside of this singular image. As she put it herself, she wasn’t that old and she wasn’t that tired, at least physically. She was just tired mentally of being treated as something less than she was. We all have our limits, and she hit hers 50 years ago on a bus.

So she didn’t give up her seat, so she was arrested, and so began an American upheaval: boycotts, sit-ins, nonviolent protest against sometimes-violent response, and forced recognition that race relations in American had to be confronted, under the leadership of Martin Luther King and so many others. All from one person staying seated. You’ll never see a Rosa Parks movie because the climax of the story is physically so underwhelming. In fact, it’s almost difficult for those of us who never lived with or were directly affected by Jim Crow to feel this completely, what not standing means fully.

This is why she’s one of my heroes. I don’t use that term loosely—this isn’t me being a politician (because admiring Rosa Parks isn’t particularly original or striking). I actually don’t have many heroes. There are lots of heroic people I’ve encountered and that have influenced me, but few that I understand as and treat as heroes—that combination of reverence, excitement, and comfort that they bring to those that adore them.

It’s how she became famous that makes her heroic to me. She not only confronted a frightening inhumanity in the face, but she did it alone, and she did it without fanfare or in the quest for attention. If this act had been planned, or if there was a group march off of the bus, things might have turned out the same, but maybe they wouldn’t have. The fact that this one person acted from her soul alone, that it was unstaged, that it was truly derived without pretense gave the act its inspired spark to start the Civil Rights revolution. The “civil” in Civil Rights refers to people as citizens, but her civility in the face of brutishness makes me think there’s dual meaning there.

I want to write words that are like Rosa Parks. I want to read words that are like Rosa Parks. I want to live in a time when words, even if spoken quietly or written in humble letters, are communicated freely and received openly.

Is it fair to say that words mean less than they once did? I dislike romanticizing the past at the expense of a modern present (writers of blogs shouldn’t be bashing technology), but I think of a time when words were available in far fewer and infinitely slower media. In the 1800s, there were books for those who could afford them, newspapers and broadsides, plays, and conversation—and a lot of quiet time in between to consider what was said. We now have so many words fighting for our attention that it’s a miracle that we can still function. I love our open access to the words of millions of people everywhere we go—blogs and myriad other venues for publishing what we write allow for free communication and open reception.
But I hate how easily they are written.

With a deluge of words comes a watering down of what they carry. Language is as spiritual an entity as any in my life. With words we are both one with each other and one with ourselves. This ability we have is so easy to take for granted, which is so sad. You can’t revere and benefit fully from that which you take for granted. If we all knew language in so pure a way, its message and meaning would be perpetually powerful, regardless of whom was communicating: seamstresses should be world changers just as much as presidents.

But now there are simply too many words. They are all over us at all hours of the day, and we have no escape. Before we can take the time with some words, new words are coming at us. Loud words muffle soft ones, and boisterous trumps thoughtful every time. The TV personalities and talk radio stars and public figures in our lives rarely express the best words. They are just the best at being heard.

And as listeners, we continue to be drawn to the words that force themselves upon us rather than those we have to find. Words we equate with dignity and civility are invisible or silent in a shouting match. We should be brave enough as listeners to not rely on those communicating to give us the best words, but to go out ourselves and seek them out. We so rarely do.
How can we know who we are if we can’t hear each other in our most thoughtful, defining moments? When it’s our turn to look injustice in the face and make a stand, will anyone be able to hear us? Will anyone know what we did?

This was originally published in Some Other Magazine.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Wonderland-Bowdoin

Blank sheets are scary shit. They are why Jeffrey Dahmer got fat, why Adolf was so driven to leave his artistic whispering to hate some people so much, why some homeless are attacked by kids who should be trading candy, why beer is turned unbeautiful by the most unoriginal life forms you can imagine, why tears fall during a tire commercial of a bad show, why families are forcibly separated for no easy reason, why some rings are so heavy and others not heavy enough, why that song at this time punctures our vase.

I hate blank sheets too, almost all of us do. It's our reactions that differ, like stories from a 2:00 p.m. shooting in a busy downtown. So he might be pleased with your behavior and she might be annoyed. Me, I wish you the worst. I don't listen to music or read books during our commute, so what else can I do but see such dangerous visions, and push my hidden terrors into your future as I make myself throb in the ecstasy of occasional violence. All this, even though I don't know you and your only offense was not pissing me off when I hoped you would.

Time to fill some sheets, no matter what the cost. Our lives and your ribs are in the balance.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Maundering Around

In the deepest part of the day, when the bottom of the most recent cup glares helplessly at us and we can't conceive of being orderly and efficient for another moment, we suffer. A white-collar suffering is a relative feeling—that is, relatively fine compared to the suffering that goes on in the rest of the world—but those of us with enough fortune in our life to be reading words online are allowed to have pangs, even if we are well fed and mostly secure. See, our decent lot in life is unknown to our soul, which is made of the same stuff as those in Papua New Guinea, Baghdad, Vladistovok, or even Darfur, the saddest place I'm capable of imagining. Our minds and hearts rise and fall with our circumstances, but our soul has its ups and downs independent of our plans. Whether buying Super Bowl tickets or robbing a house for a meal, people know joy from beautiful faces and know pain from a lack of petrichor or even daylit sky, blue with the newly dead.

Still, my soul ascends with what it takes in: your chatoyant eyes in surprising candlelight. My insides are vibrant with this experience that I have not experienced, this memory that will not go into the past. But such clumsy words for something so pure. Let's go pilgrim on this one:

I will be your sooterkin.
Let me be your slobberchops.